halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I need water and some morals
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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