The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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