Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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