How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
