who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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