my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Randomize
