I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
