My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize