I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
