I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
