im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
