Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
