youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
