Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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