I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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