She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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