So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Let's get the cat blown out
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
