He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
