If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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