Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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