I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
