i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I am spending my child support on dildos
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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