my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize