Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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