I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
