Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
