Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
you inspire me to be a worse person
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
