cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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