I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
