Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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