You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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