i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
