take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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