Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
She made me pour olive oil on her.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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