No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
