my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
