u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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