Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
