And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
