why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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