tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
