just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
