My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
