I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
