I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
