Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize