Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
