The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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