You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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