I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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