why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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