I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Are we still banned from the library?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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