is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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