so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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